Thinking Out Loud

12:24:00 AM

Assalamualaikum. May Allah bless us always.

These past few days I've been thinking a lot about my friends. Each of everyone of them that had been once so important in my life until now. I once had a bestfriend in primary school. We were inseperable you know. When there's me, there's her and everybody knows that. She was this chubby little girl and I was the 'kurus kerempeng' one and well, we fit each other very well. I mean, she was so cute I wish I could show you guys. We didn't live in the same neighbourhood but she always managed to came to my house to play and sometimes I gave effort tooby going to her house but it's very hard since her house was up in the hill and I was so little back then so I had to push my bike. (my parents doesn't know that) . She was my classmates from standard one to 5. I still remembered that when we were in standard 3, we both had a crush on the boys in our class. We were so excited to know that they like us too. It's silly and childish but that kind of thing that made my primary school years, until I moved. I remembered being this rebellious kid not wanting o visit my new house. I was so mad at that time because it's my senior year but I had to go to another school. It's hard to fit in. It's even harder to leave a school that the teachers adored you, your friends loved you and I don't mean to brag but I was the apple of the school's eyes (if you know what I mean). Unfortunately, my friendship also ended and the last thing I heard from her that she entered a boarding school. Everything was different in that era so we lost contact until several years later she added me on myspace. But that was it.

Moving on to high school, it's a total different story. I met these wonderful girls that I called them bestfriend until now. Alhamdulillah. It's kinda weird and funny because in high school people will recognize you only and only because first, you are damn hot cool kids whether on social media or just because you'r gorgeous, which is ridiculous for a 'plain jane' like me. Second because you're the naughty kids that were famous among teachers, disciplinary board (of course) and the students. Third, the geeks that their names always been called in every Monday assembly for awards or something. And there're also the girls that think they're so cool. And the list goes on and on and on. That's the thing in high school. You have to be cool enough and stand out so that people will know you. Or another theory of mine is if you have a beautiful face, you'll be just fine.

Ok. Back to my story.

So, in high school I was in this gang. The bad thing about being in a gang is eventhough how solid is your friendship, there will always be fights here and there and it's uglier to fight among your friends in da gang because you have to choose sides. One more thing, jealousy. Yes. I, myself is more tend to share my problems and stories to one person. It's not the trust issues but I just feel more comfortable sharing secrets and all to just that someone, for a start but others will know too eventually. I love each one of them very much and these girls know me very well. They're the ones who know my past stories, shared jahiliah moments and they were there through thick and thin. And when I decided to moved to a boarding school after PMR, we still managed to stay together. It's not hard like the old days now we have phones and internet. It's true that we're taking different paths now but atleast I know that we could always get together anytime. Inshaa Allah.

But this post is not about sharing my friendships stories but-

Ever since school has ended, I keep thinking about friendship like real deep. I thought that "yeah, I got friends. A lot of them but why I always feel alone?" It's funny because even though I got bunch of people in my contact lists but I still don't know who to call and whom to talk to. I mean it sucks to have someone that you used to share everything but because you moved away, everything changed just like that. It's not that hard at first but little by litle as the time flies, you realized that you can't relate to that someone anymore because you don't know his/her life like and vice versa. It's kinda pathetic to me that at some point the conversation turns sour and boring and I think the only think that survived the conversation is only when we talk about the past. The past that I was still included in the story. Sad...isn't it? But this is predictable because nothing really last forever, and no matter how you want things to go back to the way it should be but it just don't. I wondered if he feels the same way too.

In a nutshell I think as you grow up, you have to find true friends. To be honest, I think it's exhausting to re-do friendships all over again. But sometimes later down the road, Allah will give you that thing you're looking for. I've met some incredible friends throughout high school. I don't know if it's too soon to say this but I think I've found the real deal. I've found the crowd that I fit in. I've found true friendship. I've found the sweetest ukhuwah and believe it or not, I've found these people in boarding school. I could not feel more lucky. You know what, keep the ones that really are there for you throughout struggles and happiness but most importantly, constantly reminding you about akhirah too. Be friends with the people that you could be yourself but changes you to someone better. A better muslim and muslimah. One last advice. If you ever found friends like that, don't lose them okay. It's Allah's blessings.